Home Brewing - Not me!

Home Brewing – A Cautionary Tale

While on a family trip to England I fell in love with the tasty, if somewhat flat, beers that they served in the many pubs that we visited. One day, whilst visiting one of my father’s colleagues, we were treated to some home brewed beer. It was quenching, refreshing and tasty. I said to myself: “Yeah I could do that.” Thusly, so convinced I visited the local “Chemist” and picked up two kits for making beer at home as well as a recipe book for traditional beers. Later that week, as we boarded the plane at Heathrow, I was convinced that I was going to make the tastiest and strongest beer possible. Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

I arrived home and proceeded to scour the countryside and gather the essential equipment: several cases of empty beer bottles (stale beer – yum) a glass carboy with a fermentation lock, siphon tubing, sterilizer tablets, bottle brushes and etc. etc. This was no minor undertaking let me assure you. Months passed and mail order acquisitions of more “essentials” were made. Eventually the day arrived when I had it all … or so I thought. That little voice that often says: “Are you really sure you want to do this?” was conveniently absent during most of this process.

In my mothers pristine kitchen I arrayed my ordnance: malt extract, yeast, extra sugar and the biggest pot that Mom owned - 8 Quarts. The “book” said to use a larger pot but I figured I could boil in two batches…the first of many short-cuts. I filled the pot with water and proceeded to boil it. When a good rolling boil was attained I opened the malt extract can and attempted to pour it in the boiling water. Well you can imagine my surprise when the dark brown gelatinous mass, that is malt extract, refused to depart the can in which it came. In my zeal to overcome it’s obstinacy I dropped the entire can into the pot. The resultant splash of scalding water left delightful welts on my hands and forearms The hot water however worked its magic and the now warmed extract flowed freely from the can into the boiling water thus creating a sickly sweet smelling Barley Soup. I fished the can out of the now brim filled pot using a long handled fork…spilling some of the pots and the cans remaining contents on the floor, some on the range and some on the countertop. The sugars in the extract began to burn instantly. The “wonderful” smell wafting through the house captured my family’s interest. One by one they trooped into the kitchen to see what was up. My mother was just commenting on the odor when the now un-watched pot full of sickly sweet elixir boiled over onto her formerly pristine range-top. The boiling extract, rich in maltose and other sugars caramelized onto all the range surfaces. Smoke began to rise from the range hood and the smoke detector sent out the shrill reminder that usually indicated that Mom had burned the rolls again… The boiled over water extract mix eventually extinguished the burner on the stove. The situation deteriorated rapidly from this point onward but I will spare you the story of the exploding bottles and the sticky kitchen floor, you get the idea, and perhaps fully understand why I now purchase beer only after it has been brewed.